Finding Grace in losing Gracie

I've kind of delayed writing this post for a bit now because it is hard to write about as well as not knowing what exactly to write. It is a bit of a confusing story, even for people who are close to me so I thought the best way to write about it is to start at the beginning so some of this some of you might already know, a lot of you probably don't.

I grew up with my mom, step-dad, older sister, and a younger half-sister. Most of my childhood all I knew about my bio dad was his name, that he was a good artist, and that he liked cars. Family members of mine that knew my bio dad always said how much I looked like him, which was a mixture of curiosity and pain. I always wondered what this mystery man looked like and more about where I came from or who I was. There were a lot of different stories among my family members on how things with my bio parents played out and if he wanted a relationship with my older sister and myself or not... it was all very confusing and fuzzy as a child. It is a complex story regardless of age and being a young child made it even more complex.

Cut to when I am about 13 or 14, my sister and I were visiting my Aunt and she knows we have a strong desire to know our bio dad and she helps us try to look him up in a phone book. Nowadays that seems so silly, mostly because I'm pretty sure no 13 year old would even know what is a phone book. Do they even still make those things..? I hope I'm making everyone else feel old too! We end up finding his brothers name and number. Long story short, we call him and he says that my bio dad would be so excited to see us and he calls him and we set up to meet at the park about an hour later.

I remember having so many emotions and feelings in that moment. Fear, I always felt like maybe I wasn't good enough and that is why he never attempted to contact us (I realize now as an adult just how rediculous that idea sounds, my bio parents split up when I was a baby, like a baby baby and even so, there is never anything that a child could or couldn't do to cause the parents to stay together or split up. Not all relationships are meant to be and that's fine. Yet when I had these thoughts and feelings I was young and didn't understand a lot of things that way that I do now as an adult), or what if we didn't like each other now. Excited, like this man is my biological father, and I look like him! What does he look like? Are we alike in other ways? Nauseous and anxious. Lots of emotions. Then we also had to think about what my bio mom and step-dad would say, because they had no idea this was going on and we were pretty certain that they would not be happy about it. (Spoiler alert... they were not happy about it but I think that it was the best idea and I never regretted doing it)

Again, to keep it short, I'll just sum up everything. We met our Uncle and Bio Dad. I remember my sister crying (she was always more connected to her emotions than I think I am and she is so easily able to express herself and connect with people, like it is insanely easy for her to connect to people and everyone loves her) and I didn't know how to react, I think I did end up crying too because it was a very overwhelming and emotional moment. We talked for awhile and learned a little about each other. I remember I was wearing this stupid Twinkie the Kid shirt, so clearly I liked Twinkies and Spongbob Squarepants. He told us that he was married and had a step-daughter and a son and daughter. I'm not sure if we exchanged information or just how that worked but we would talk on the phone, exchange cards/letters, and hang out over the next few years. It was difficult because we lived a little over an hour from each other and we were in school still and I think we all had issues knowing our place and not wanting to overstep. Not to mention that we didn't use cell phones and social media nearly as much as we do now days.

The first time we met my step-mom, step-sister, half-brother, and half-sister, I felt right at home. They were so kind, happy, and welcoming. We would all laugh and talk. Gracie was the youngest but had the biggest personality. She had huge, bright eyes that took up most of her face it seemed. She was an adventurer and so silly. Noah was more reserved, but then again that could have just been because he had two sisters that loved to talk. Kay really loved to talk. She would become so passionate about whatever it was she was talking about. I loved spending time with them all and playing games and listening to them talk about what was going on in their lives. They always loved to listen to what was going on in our lives and really listened and took to heart what we said. I didn't have the best relationship with my bio mom and step-dad so it was a very different experience when I was with my bio dads side of the family.

Over the years we slowly communicated less and less. We all get busy with life and the different struggles. After high school I got married and moved out of the state. Ryan and I traveled for work for a few years. When we got pregnant with Maddison we thought that while our work and traveling had been fun, we should probably get back to school and get "real" careers. We moved back to Arkansas and started back at school. I talked to my bio dad a few times and went to visit them all after I had Maddison. All my siblings on my bio dads side were younger than me. My step-sister was about to get married, and my sister and brother were in middle/high school. Shortly after that my husband and I moved to the other part of the state, about 4 hours away. That was the last time I visited them and that was a little over 3 years ago. We talked a few times but slowly stopped talking all together. We were all busy, and time goes by faster than you think.

After Ryan graduated and we moved for his new job, I reached out to my bio dad and said how much I wanted to reconnect and how I had been feeling for some time that I needed to reach out to them. We started talking again and planning to see everyone soon. We were getting moved into our new house and they were working and getting ready for Gracie's Senior year of high school. On Wednesday August 29th, my Bio dad, step-mom, and youngest sister Gracie were in a car accident. It was raining and a car hydroplaned, hitting them, and causing them to hit the vehicle next to them. Gracie died on impact. My bio dad and the drivers of the other two vehicles were injured and step-mom was in ICU. (She has spent the last month in the hospital and going through different surgeries and therapies. It is going to be a long road ahead but she is recovering)  I got a call from my older sister and instantly knew she was crying, she said there was an accident and I knew someone had passed away, but I would never have guessed who.

I was in shock, I was hurting, I felt like I was going to throw up, but I also had to take care of the boys and go pick up Maddison from school. I didn't have time to process what was going on. I remember just crying while trying to get the boys ready and in the car but trying to hold it together because I didn't have another choice. Max gave me his favorite toy and asked if I was okay, and that just broke me. This sweet almost 2 year old who can't possibly understand what is going on just knows that I'm sad and knows that Owlie always comforts him. I pick up Maddison and wait for Ryan to get home. The next few days were so difficult. I felt guilty that I didn't just make time to go see them sooner. My step-mom, Gracie, and myself all just had birthdays within a two week period, I should have went down to visit them and celebrate. Give Gracie some extra advice on her Senior year of High School and how it is important but also to just enjoy each day because it is some of the most fun you'll have before you have to become a "real adult." You never know what day will be someones last.

I'm so gratefully that I reached out to my bio dad and we were talking frequently again. I think that it made this difficult situation a little bit easier. I believe that it was a prompting from our Heavenly Father, who knew that hard times were coming and that we would need to have that connection and comfort. Gracie just turned 17 and started her Senior year of High School, she loved Art and was planning on becoming an Art Teacher after graduation. Her funeral service was beautiful and full of color, just like she was. A lot of my bio dads family was there and they haven't gotten together in quiet some time so we all got the chance to catch up and meet each other. I think that sometimes it takes something horrible to make us all see how important things are. How fast life can go by and we never know how long we have. I'm so thankful for the knowledge that families can be together forever through Heavenly Fathers plan. Live your life as if you only have one more day, make every moment count and make your life  beautifully colorful.